The Hallmark version of Thanksgiving depicts cozy, happy family gatherings; perfectly dressed hosts and guests; well-behaved children; and mouthwatering food served in a beautifully decorated home with everything in its place.

The reality?

Many clients with whom I work feel a great deal of distress this time of year, especially around navigating relational and financial challenges.

Their stress can be triggered by:

• • Having to come into contact with family members who are narcissistic and/or inflicted physical, emotional or sexual abuse in the past.
  • An overcommitted social schedule, OR being purposely excluded from family gatherings.
  • Concerns around food. Feeling tempted to eat more than usual and self-sabotaging weight management efforts. Eating more of the wrong foods that worsen a chronic health condition, like diabetes, heart disease or an autoimmune condition. Feeling unaccepted for having a different way of eating than the rest of the family (e.g., being a vegetarian or vegan in a family of meat-lovers at Thanksgiving). Being pressured to eat traditional Thanksgiving dishes (e.g., mac and cheese, cornbread dressing, biscuits) by family or friends who believe your food sensitivities / intolerances are “all in your head”.
  • Feeling pressured to conform to family expectations of how and/or where you will spend time with them.
  • Feeling obligated to overspend on travel, gifts or food when you are unemployed, underemployed or on a tight budget.
  • Feeling pressured to deliver or to have a “perfect” Thanksgiving experience (e.g., be a perfect host or cook a perfect meal).
  • Over-functioning. Attending to everyone else’s needs but your own.

This is why having boundaries—as well as respecting the boundaries of others—is essential for emotional, mental and physical well-being, especially during the holidays. It is the ultimate act of self-care.

What is a boundary?

Boundaries define what we let into our life—and what we keep out.

Perhaps this proverb, often attributed to poet Robert Frost, says it best.

“Good fences make good neighbors”.

Physical boundaries, like a house on a lovely piece of property with a fence around it, are generally clear and easy to respect. The fence sets clear boundaries, indicating where your property ends—and where your neighbor’s property begins. You and your neighbors know what belongs to whom—and where NOT to cross the line (because of the fence).

Psychological boundaries, however, are not visible and can feel more challenging to set and enforce.

Having grown up in an authoritarian-style family structure, I often struggled with setting boundaries because I did not want to be perceived as “mean” or “selfish”. An example comes to mind. Years ago, Pete, an elderly neighbor in his 80s, used to stand at the entrance of the Manhattan apartment building where I lived. He loved to chat with tenants as they were coming or going. At the time, I was a freelance writer who worked from home. I juggled multiple deadlines, but I always took a break mid-day for my daily run along the East River. Of course, I would run into Pete, who flirted shamelessly with me, while talking non-stop. Culturally, I was raised to be polite and deferential to elders and, certainly, someone who was 50+ years older than myself qualified as an “elder”!

Over time, however, I went from genuinely enjoying our conversations, to dreading running into him—not because of the flirting, but because I felt “trapped”, like I was being held “hostage” in our conversations. I started feeling resentful because, in my mind, Pete should have known that I was very busy and had limited personal time. It got to the point where I began peeking around the stairwell first to see if he was at the entrance. If he was there, I returned to my apartment, where I would simmer and stew!

I even began asking my husband if he could go downstairs and check if “the coast was clear”. Bemused by my avoidant behavior, my husband suggested that, instead of stopping to say “hello”, I simply walk past Pete and say “hello” with a friendly smile and wave, thereby creating a physical boundary that prevented engagement. If he began talking, I would just tell him that I was going for my run. It was a simple solution that worked beautifully.

The obstacles to setting a boundary with Pete were ones that I had created in my own mind. I had expected poor Pete to read my mind. I had projected my thoughts onto him; e.g., he would think I was “mean” if I did not come to a full stop and chat with him. I had expected him to somehow “know” my boundary when, in reality, it was my responsibility to make my boundary clear—not his.

Psychological boundaries are limits that we identify for ourselves; then, we enforce through verbal communication and/or the actions we take.

Boundaries may be dictated by your values, beliefs, and experiences.

Boundaries characterize every relationship we have, from family, friends, and romantic partners; to work colleagues, neighbors and people in positions of authority; and even complete strangers. Boundaries create a personal space that enables us to stay aligned with who we are. When applied—and respected—boundaries provide a sense of mutual respect, safety, expectations and clarity.

When we don’t set boundaries, we can find ourselves in unhealthy relationships, compromising situations and toxic environments that affect our mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

Examples of boundaries can include…

You may have boundaries around your time.

I don’t talk on the phone—even with friends and family—after 9PM on weekdays.

I am unavailable to meet on Saturdays; I usually spend the day with my kids.

You may have boundaries around your energy.

The party sounds like loads of fun. Thank you for inviting me. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to make it.

Thank you for suggesting that I host the weekly Book Club meetings. Unfortunately, I have to decline. I am unable to provide a venue.

You may have boundaries in relationships.

I need to feel safe before I can be sexually intimate with you. This means that we agree to see each other exclusively, and we both get tested for STDs (sexually transmitted diseases).

When I feel upset; sometimes, I just need to vent. When you interrupt me with suggestions on how to “fix” things, I don’t feel heard. If I want your advice, I’ll let you know.

You may have boundaries around communication and/or how you want to be treated.

I feel invisible when I try to express my opinion, and you shout me down. I am leaving now. Let’s revisit this conversation when you’re ready to have a civil conversation and to hear what I have to say.

I feel frustrated and unappreciated when I’ve spent time preparing a nice meal for us, and you are distracted at the table, answering emails and texts. I’d like to connect with you at the end of our busy day: could you please leave your phone in the office when we eat dinner together?

Okay. We know that boundaries are important. But why are they SO hard to apply—especially at Thanksgiving?!

It may be because:

1. You are uncomfortable with perceived or real conflict.

2. You don’t want to be thought of as “mean”, “difficult”, “not cool” or “not nice”.

3. You don’t want to feel rejected or excluded, so you “go along to get along”.

4.  You don’t feel “good enough”, so you don’t feel worthy of having needs—and you second-guess yourself. For example, “Maybe I am being too ‘selfish’ about not wanting to stay at my parents’ house—even though they constantly criticize my appearance and lifestyle choices.”

5.  You are a people-pleaser and tend to put others’ needs before your own.

6.  You were raised in a family where the concept of boundaries was foreign. Even if you tried to set boundaries, they were ignored, ridiculed, or weaponized.

Many factors can complicate the boundary-setting process at Thanksgiving, a time when expectations run high.

Maybe you’re visiting family with whom you don’t typically spend much time; you may have traveled a long distance to see them—and you don’t want to “rock the boat” while there. There may be a tendency to slip into childhood roles. For example, you and your siblings start bickering three seconds after you greet each other. Or family members still treat you like a 12-year-old child instead of a 42-year-old mother of two. Maybe your family rehashes embarrassing stories from your childhood, like the time you were 5 and had an “accident” at the mall.

Family members can feel entitled to offer unsolicited advice, opinions, or criticism about everything, from your weight (e.g., Keto will help you lose those 30 pounds!) and appearance( e.g., Wow! You’re looking so ‘distinguished’—pointing to your undereye wrinkles—since the last time we saw each other!); to partner status (e.g., Still single? You can kiss ever having kids ‘good-bye’!) and lifestyle choices (e.g., When are you going to get a ‘real’ job?).

10 Tips for Setting Healthy Boundaries at Thanksgiving

1.  Know your WHY.

Get clear about WHY you’re celebrating Thanksgiving at a family member’s home, especially if it’s a family member(s) with whom you have a strained or difficult relationship; this helps “set the tone” for your boundaries.

Let’s say, for example, your sister is hosting Thanksgiving dinner at her house this year. Your sister has always been self-absorbed and controlling, and you’re not close with her. But your kids love their cousins (your sister’s kids) and are excited about seeing them; so, you decide to go for their sake. Spending Thanksgiving at your sister’s also affords you the opportunity to visit with elderly relatives you would not otherwise see. Keeping your WHY in mind will help you….

2.  Manage your expectations.

The key is to have realistic expectations. This is not a Lifetime movie! Just because it’s Thanksgiving, challenging relationships or complicated family dynamics will not miraculously change for the better—even if your family is gathering in the same space for the first time in two years after the C*VID debacle.

At Thanksgiving, count on history repeating itself. Parents who start bickering after a few glasses of wine. The family friend who overshares at the table. The uncle who goes on his usual political rant. The relative who can’t stop detailing her every bodily ache and pain. The son-in-law who has a short fuse. In addition to dealing with the drama of the usual cast of characters, you might feel pressured to eat more, drink more, or spend more than you feel comfortable.

When you have realistic expectations, you can adjust your boundaries accordingly. This can help you…

3.  Just say “No”.

If you don’t feel up to attending a family gathering, where there is constant drama, bickering, fighting, bullying or a barrage of insults being thrown your way, you can decline an invitation kindly but firmly: “No. I can’t make it this year.” Or: “No. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to join you.” Or: “Thank you for the invitation. Unfortunately, no…I won’t be coming.”

“No” is a complete sentence and does not require an attendant explanation.

If your WHY for attending a specific Thanksgiving gathering is for someone else (e.g., your kids), you can…

4.  Anticipate triggers.

The best defense is a good offense. When you anticipate potential triggers, you can decide how you will set your boundaries in advance.

For example, if you have a highly competitive and narcissistic cousin who likes to dominate the conversation and constantly interrupts you anytime you try to express a thought or opinion, you could say: “I feel frustrated that I can’t finish my train of thought because I’m being interrupted. Could I please finish speaking before you share your thoughts?” If your cousin ignores this boundary, you can decide whether you stop talking altogether—or leave the table or room.

Speaking of triggers…

5.  Have a list of non-triggering “safe” topics at the ready.

The last 2-1/2 years have been steeped in division, whether it’s politics, gender identity, race, immigration, vaccine status, medical freedom, censorship, the state of the economy or our educational system. Decide in advance what topics are off the table—for you.

Instead, identify what YOU feel comfortable discussing, whether it’s the weather; a new recipe you’re trying; music; or your favorite restaurant, movie or television show…and be mindful of sticking to these topics!

This enables you to…

6.  Avoid being baited.

If / when you are being needled to respond to a triggering topic, you can say something like: “I don’t talk about XYZ.” Or: “I’m Switzerland today…100% neutral.” Or: “I don’t know enough about that person / topic to have an opinion.”

If the needling continues, you can…

7.  Extract yourself from the conversation mentally and/or physically.

Give yourself a time-out and take deep breaths before replying. Visualize being in a calm and relaxed place. Excuse yourself from the room or table. Go for a walk. Help with clearing the table. Help wash dishes. Check on the kids. Take a nap.

8. Prepare yourself around food.

At Thanksgiving, many people step outside their own boundaries around food. The holiday, itself, as well as family members, encourages overindulgence. Most people will break from routine and consume more sugar, more snacks, more starches and refined carbs; drink more alcohol; and/or eat out more often than they normally would.

Stay mindful. If you are following a specific way of eating—e.g., low-carb, gluten-free, dairy-free, Keto, Paleo or you have food intolerances—decide in advance what you will or can eat. You can let your host know in advance about any food sensitivities or dietary restrictions you have so they do not feel “rejected” by your refusal to eat a certain dish(es). You can also decide if there are one or two specific dishes or alcoholic drinks in which you can indulge—without ill effect—whether it’s an extra helping of sweet potato pie, your grandmother’s famous boiled custard, or a cranberry mule. Decide in advance what “treats” you plan to enjoy—rather than indulge in the moment…only to have eater’s remorse for days to come.

If you are vegetarian or vegan and attending a non-vegetarian Thanksgiving gathering, you may want to bring a dish (or two) that you know you will feel comfortable eating. The same applies if you have any other dietary restrictions. For example, if you are following a gluten-free protocol, you may want to bring a dessert, as traditional dessert offerings are typically wheat flour-based.

Food can be a triggering topic. If you have found your way to better health, improved energy, and weight loss through your food choices, you may be in an evangelical mode about helping others “see” how their food choices can potentially change their life. The Thanksgiving table, however, is not the place to proselytize. Refrain from lecturing others about their food choices.

In the same way that you want others to respect your food choices, you have to respect others’ food choices—even if it goes against what you believe.

Keep in mind: people will only make changes around food and lifestyle if / when they are ready—not because you have told them that they need to stop eating sugar, carbs, or meat!

9.  Communicate boundaries clearly—and from an “I” perspective.

How you communicate a boundary can make a difference in being heard—or not. Always start from a place of “I feel”; then, say what you need or want. For example, “I feel uncomfortable when you share news about my ex-husband and the woman for whom he left me. I’m still hurting. Please don’t do that. I’d rather not know.”

Avoid making “You did XYZ” statements, like: “You never help out with the kids—even when I’m under the gun with project deadlines. You are so selfish! Can’t you see how stressed out I am?” The person on the receiving end of this statement hears an accusatory tone and criticism—and, as a result, tunes you out. You’re back to square one.

10. Exit stage left, gracefully—and early if necessary.

We can clearly communicate our boundaries to others. However, keep in mind: we cannot control how other people will respond to our boundaries. There may nasty pushback, feelings of hurt and resentment or utter disregard for your boundaries—no matter how thoughtfully worded or how clearly you’ve stated your limits. We can only control how we react to the negative behavior of others.

If boundary violations persist, you can always take your leave. Or, if the boundary offenders are visitors to your home, you can always ask them to leave.

Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable, yes. But they also give you the psychological freedom to be true to yourself. And that’s something for which you can be truly grateful.

If so, you’re not alone.

A survey conducted by the American Psychological Association (APA), published earlier this month, shows that the U.S. is at its highest stress level yet.¹ The current political environment is a significant source of stress²; so, too, is work and technology, which blur the boundaries between professional and personal life.

Although technology affords us endless ways to connect, we feel more disconnected than ever—and we live in a constant state of distraction.

According to the 2017 APA Stress in America survey, the vast majority (86%) of more than 8 out of 10 Americans, who are attached to their devices, are “constant checkers” of their emails, texts and social media accounts. Ironically, constant checkers say they feel disconnected from family—even when technology brings them together!³  Despite being comfortable with technology, Millennials (aged 18-37) report the highest level of stress from technology.⁴  And nearly half of parents (45%) say they feel disconnected from their families even when they are together—because of technology.⁵

Unfortunately, the convenience of technology has not only changed the dynamic of our personal interactions, it has also taken a toll on our physical health, most visibly, our collective waistlines.  Between 1981 and 2008, the U.S. experienced a 45 percent growth in obesity.⁶  How? Spending more time online translates into a sedentary lifestyle—excess sitting, eating more processed and pro-inflammatory foods (including increased consumption of processed snack foods), eating out more (less home cooking) and much less physical activity (even walking) overall.
I’m not suggesting that you throw out your iPhone or smart phone or retreat into a cave!  Instead, see this Thanksgiving—and the rest of the holiday season—as an opportunity to connect and truly be present—without distraction.  As a gateway to the official holiday season, Thanksgiving is also the perfect time to jumpstart healthy eating and lifestyle practices that will also positively affect how you connect with others—and yourself.  Here are 8 tips:

1.  Commit to taking time off (and don’t be half-assed about it).
All work and no downtime erodes the quality of your life and your health; in addition, you are more prone to making errors in judgment or reacting inappropriately in professional situations. When you’re overworked and exhausted, you tend to sleep poorly, crave sugar and junk food, and skip exercise.

Overwork—without adequate rest and relaxation—has health consequences: sleep issues (problems falling asleep or shortened sleep), more accidents due to fatigue, depression, and a greater risk of heart disease.^{7, 8}  Chronic stress increases the stress hormone cortisol—and, without a break, high cortisol levels pack on belly fat.  Step away from the computer or phone: spend time with yourself, your friends or your family—without apology.

2.  Prepare a home-cooked Thanksgiving meal for—or with—someone you love, whether it’s a partner, spouse, friends, family or children.  Make this one holiday where you don’t outsource your meal to a restaurant, caterer or Amazon Fresh.  Take the time to plan a menu, shop, chop and reconnect with real food.  A home-cooked, family-style meal encourages bonding among family and friends. Bonus: when children and teenagers are involved in the preparation of a meal, they develop a greater appreciation for the food they eat and learn healthy eating habits.
Need more incentive to cook?  A study published in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition found that when participants ate meals at home, they tended to make healthier food choices, which, in turn, triggered intense positive emotions.⁹  Sharing meals can also contribute to greater feelings of happiness.¹⁰

3.  Establish a zero tolerance no-media zone at your Thanksgiving table. This means no smart phones, iPhones, iPads, computers of any kind, texting, Snapchat, FB messaging….  What is allowed?  Real human connection through face-to-face conversation.

In a study published earlier this year, Danish researchers investigated how quitting Facebook for 1 week would affect well-being. The results, which were based on 1,000-plus participants (the average age was 34), suggest that quitting Facebook—even temporarily—can improve life satisfaction and mood. This positive effect was especially significant for heavy Facebook users and users who tend to envy others on Facebook.¹¹
Ironically, another recent study of young adults, aged 19 to 32, found that those with high social media usage of 11 social media platforms, including Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Instagram, Snapchat, etc., actually felt more socially isolated than those who had a lower social media usage. ¹²

4.  Prepare a Thanksgiving meal featuring fresh, quality ingredients.  Choose ingredients that are as fresh, whole and unprocessed as possible.  Consider splurging on a heritage breed or organic turkey: we like upstate New York’s Northwind Farms heritage breed turkey.  Commercial turkeys, like Butterball, typically carry “water weight”, a 4 to 8 percent solution of water, salt and spices.

This also means that, from the outset, you’re starting out with a sodium-infused turkey; for every 4 ounces of Butterball’s “fresh” whole turkey, you get 130 mg of sodium before you’ve seasoned it. The farmer’s market is a great place to load up on seasonal, budget-friendly produce: Brussels sprouts, green beans, squash, sweet potatoes, organic salad greens and more.  Need inspiration for a healthy Thanksgiving dish?

5.  Plan your indulgences. The spirit of Thanksgiving is one of generosity and bounty. There is, however, a fine line between indulging mindfully and hapless overeating that can cause you to go off the rails the rest of the holiday season. Decide in advance what you want to enjoy—maybe it’s a slice of pumpkin pie or a couple glasses of Barolo with the Thanksgiving meal.  Food sensitivities and intolerances create stress in the body.  If you’ve been eating gluten-free, dairy free, or both, and feeling great, you want to honor what your body can tolerate. Be prepared to stand your ground with pushy relatives:  “Wow, dessert looks delicious, but I have to stay away from gluten / bread / wheat / sugar / dairy—doctor’s orders!”

6. Avoid or limit contact with energy vampires.  In these modern, fast-paced times, when many of us are working to full capacity, the kindest thing you can for yourself is to spend what free time you have with people who accept you as-you-are and who love and support you.  Or, spend time alone, tending to yourself (yes, even on Thanksgiving!).

The goal is to limit your exposure to energy vampires, people who leave you feeling drained and depleted physically and emotionally.  Energy vampires who can include friends and family, come in many forms: complainers who use you to vent their frustrations; narcissists who love to talk about themselves; braggarts who regale you with tales of their achievements or acquisitions; critics who put down your weight, your attempts to eat healthy, your appearance, child-rearing, partner, job or passions; intruders who ignore boundaries and invade your physical or emotional space; and downers who are relentlessly negative in their thoughts and actions.  If avoidance is not possible, keep your contact brief: “I can stay for coffee and visit for 20 minutes.”

7. Walk it off.  Instead of surrendering to holiday post-meal lethargy—in front of the television or drinking into the night—get up and go outside for a post-prandial walk.  A post-meal stroll—as brief as 10 minutes—can effectively help lower your blood sugar. Walking outdoors—ideally, the greener the setting, the better—can also help boost mood, energy levels, immunity and overall mental health.¹³

In a recent study published in Diabetologia, New Zealand researchers asked Type 2 diabetic patients to take a short walk after each of their three daily meals. The result?  After taking a 10-minute post-meal walk, patients’ blood glucose levels dropped 12%, on average.  The study also noted that taking a short walk after dinner was especially beneficial for lowering blood sugar (by as much as 22%), particularly when the meal contained a lot of carbohydrate.¹⁴

8. Play board games.  Dust off those old board games—Scrabble, Monopoly, checkers—and have them at the ready.  Board games are a fun way for people of all ages to come together. Playing a board game after a family dinner or holiday dinner can be an enjoyable way to reduce stress, lower blood pressure and spend conflict-free time with your family—even strengthening your family bond. Unlike electronics, which are an isolating activity, board games encourage interaction.

Engaging in board games stimulates the brain across all ages. Studies show that younger children benefit from playing board games because they use—and develop—practical cognitive skills, like planning, problem-solving and reasoning. According to a French study, playing board games is also associated with less cognitive decline and depression among the elderly.¹⁵

Have a beautiful Thanksgiving!

Sources:

^{1, 2}     American Psychological Association (APA): Stress in America Survey, 2017
^{3, 4, 5} American Psychological Association (2017): Stress in America: Coping with Change
⁶      Milken Institute, Aug. 21, 2012
⁷      American Journal of Epidemiology, 2012 Oct 1; 176(7): 586–596.
⁸      Sleep 2009, Jun 1; 32(6): 737–745
⁹      The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition July 2011, Vol. 94, No. 1, 254-261
¹⁰    Global Journal of Health Sciences  2015 Jan 14;7(4):270-7
¹¹    Tromholt Morten. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking. November 2016,
19(11): 661-666.
¹²    American Journal of Preventative Medicine  July 2017, Vol. 53, No. 1, 1-8
¹³    Health Promotion Journal of Australia  2006 Aug; 17(2): 114-23
¹⁴    Medscape Oct 19, 2016
¹⁵    BMJ Open  2013; 3(8): e002998